I'm writing to you from the near future that you would instantly hate me if you know now (haha). I know, I know. It is out of your roadmap. But if I told you we grow so much in wisdom, in how to calm our storms, and how God has shifted our focus and priorities, I know you would nod in your silence. It's okay. I learned to appreciate our silent moments. Today, though, I'm asking you to not do that. At least, not as often as you do. As reflective as I can be, will you let me walk you through this year with a simple list? Okay good, let's go.
The task of taking a step forward as if you are stepping into an abyss doesn't have to be that painful, you know.
You are relying too much on physics and causality. My advice is simple: look straight. Don't look at your feet; you already have a full-blown mind over there, don't add gravity to bear on your neck. You got to trust the path you are walking on, man. It is nearly impossible to figure out what you will end up where I stand today, so it makes no sense to overthink about your plan (remember, I know you more than you do).
Some serious breakdowns are going to happen—you are going to hate it (I still hate it now), but it's necessary for us.
Around six months from now, you will realize you hug your identity too tight to your desire. It's pure toxicity. Am not gonna spoil you with a background, so until then, please know this: all along, it's been heavy lifting, not grit. It's not persistency, it's stubbornness. Just stop whatever you're thinking about. Stop it. Right from the first beating, just kill it. Don't sweat it over many nights only to realize you're doing nothing.
Etch this into your mind:
Over many late nights, I've been mourning over repercussions we silently received in our relationship(s) because we did not know the problem is on us. How can you be this dumb? (Honestly, I'm still baffled lol).
Well, get ready for some beatings. We are taking the tolls this year, but we are fighting a good fight. Let's focus on winning one round at a time. You are gonna be lonely in your head, as it always has, but outside your head, it's not. The people you had in your mind, of whom you doubted and took a safe distance, are still there. Make sure you stand firm and keep praying and that God would fall the scales on our eyes faster with less pain.
Yes, whatever your current situation is, smile more. I won't shit you about self-improvement. It helps people around you. Show some care.
I write this with a great looming sadness holding like a dam in my heart—about the things we misdeed, the words we misspoke, the regrets we didn't even realize we missed, the chances we skipped, and the moments we passed by with no regards. If there is any wish I could grant, is to meet you in the mid-timeline between us. I'm sorry, but I would humbly slap your face every day before any pain to the people around you is going to be committed.
I long to start over at 27,5 and do different things, but time is a cruel killer. On the bright side, we can strive to not care about starting over at 28,5 et cetera. Let us keep on, my old friend. One stumbling step at a time. And wear our smile.